Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
