so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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