I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
never play flip cup with pint glasses
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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