A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
