I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
