I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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