she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
