you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
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