i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
