mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i came on her dog
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
