oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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