my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
