i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
