her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
