First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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