Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
