Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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