i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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