I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
