Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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