I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
