You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
