i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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