i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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