go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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