I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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