If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
