So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
