hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
