im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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