to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
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Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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