i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
