If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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