i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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