hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
