we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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