I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
