My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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