Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
