birth control should be required to get into college
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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