Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
