After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
