Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
