I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
