Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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