I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize