May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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