So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
