the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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