I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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