Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
