Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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