I'm lost and stupid without you.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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