thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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