There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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