Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
