Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
