I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
