today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
