My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
